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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22660957">When the world comes crashing down</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/OTPGirl/pseuds/OTPGirl'>OTPGirl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A normal, happy life. [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Black Friday - Team StarKid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>And none of it is his fault, But this came out first, Gun Violence, Hatchetfield AU, Howard is John and Xander's son, I have a whole AU I'm working on, John apologizes a lot, John is a police capitan, M/M, Panic Attack, School Shootings, Xander is a professor, gun shot wound, he's 5 y/o</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 15:22:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,266</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22660957</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/OTPGirl/pseuds/OTPGirl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>John was expecting a nice, quiet day at the precinct. Unfortunately a little past noon a 911 call comes in that John had hoped he would never get.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Xander Lee/John McNamara</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A normal, happy life. [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1630282</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>When the world comes crashing down</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Warning! <br/>This story involves a school shooting if that will make you feel uncomfortable at all I urge you not to read this story. <br/>I am not trying to make light a very serious issue that happens all to often today. I unfortunately have personal experience with school shootings and I needed to write something dealing with one.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When John kissed his husband goodbye this morning and dropped his son off at school, he was expecting the day to be a slow, normal day at the precinct. Unfortunately could not have been more incorrect with his assumption. A little after twelve thirty a call came in, and it was a call that John hoped he would never get. A young uniformed officer came barging into his office.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Sir, dispatch just got a call from the community college, there’s a school shooter on campus in building 205.” John’s brain processed the information in less than a second. Building 205, that’s the science building, that’s where Xander’s classroom is. He stood up quickly, moving out of the door, speaking into his radio.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I need every available unit to the Hatchetfield community college, we have an active shooter in building 205, I repeat active shooter in building 205.” John pulled the keys to his squad car out of his jacket pocket getting in and slamming the car into gear, forgoing his seatbelt as he tore out of the parking lot. He flicked on the lights and sirens going well over the speed limit. As John raced to the other side of town  other cars pulled out of his way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he finally arrived at the college there were already five other police cars there. John parked the car and jumped out. Not bothering to turn the car off or even close the door. He ran over to the barricade that was already set up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I need an update on the situation right now.” The officers looked at each other before one of them stepped forward. Of course it had to be Sam. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Well John,” John had to fight the urge to snap at Sam, now was not the time to be fighting with any of his officers. “The suspect is a 23 year old male named Jimmy Legends, he attends class here, but seems to be failing all of his classes. He brought an AR-15 into class today and half way through the twelve fifteen period he opened fire on his classmates and professor. Five people were hit, four students and the professor. Two of them are in pretty rough shape, but we don’t know which two. The shooter is still in the room as is everyone else who was in that class, but all the other classes heard the gunshots and left the building.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>John had a knot in his stomach, there was every chance that Xander was sitting in his class room, bleeding out from a gunshot. This is John’s world, the danger and the guns, not Xanders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Ok, Sam I need you to-” He was cut off by the sound of running feet and a familiar voice calling for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “John! John McNamara!” John turned his head and saw a tall man with silver hair in khakis and a black turtleneck moving quickly in his direction. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Excuse me.” John moved away from Sam and met Hidgens at the barrier. “Henery, is there anything you can tell me? Anything about the shooter, about his motive, anything?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “John, I don’t know how to tell you this.” Hidgens reached out a hand and put it on John’s arm in a comforting manner, but the motion only caused John’s panic to spike. “But this happened in Xander’s room. He’s still in there.”  John stared at him, eyes wide and he tried to process what Hidgens just told him. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, his hands were shaking and he moved back towards the building, almost as if he were in a trance. Hidgens was still talking but John couldn’t hear him. He began moving faster and faster until he was full tilt sprinting towards the building. He was stopped by several officers grabbing him by the arms and holding him back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Let me go officers, that is a direct order. I have to get in there.” John was struggling against the hold of the others, trying to push them off so he could get into the building. Now that he knew Xander was in there he had to do anything to get him out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Captain. I think that maybe you shouldn’t be here.” John pulled back from the other officers and turned to face Sam once again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Sam I am not in the mood for your shit right now. My husband is in there-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I know. That’s why I don’t think that you should be involved in this case. It is a conflict of interest, and you’re obviously emotionally compromised.” Sam actually seemed to be worried about his Captain, but John was too irritated to notice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Don’t you patronize Sam.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I’m not. I just think that maybe you should be with your son right now. Trust us, you know that we will do everything that we can to get Xander out of there.” John looked away from Sam and back at the building. He took several deep breaths before turning to look back at Sam. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I can’t believe that I’m actually going to say this, but I think you might be right Sam. This is your sceen now.” Sam smiles and winks and John, and turns to walk away but is stopped by John grabbing his arm. “Get him out of there safely. Please.” Sam nodded before turning to the other officers and barking out orders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>John moved back over to his squad car and climbed in letting his head fall back against the headrest. He looked down at his hands, they were shaking badly. He took several shuddering breaths. Before pulling out of the college parking lot and making his way back to the precinct. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he got there he switched out his squad car for his personal car and drove over to Howard’s elementary school. It was still an hour before the school day would let out, but John couldn't wait that long. He needed his son. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>John had the office call Howard out of class, claiming that he had an appointment to go to. His son came into the office and happily ran to John, who had gotten down on one knee to scoop his son into a hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Hi Papa!” He hugged John, and John hugged him back, perhaps a tad tighter than usual, not that Howard noticed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Hey buddy.” John faught to keep the fear out of his voice. “Let’s get out of here.” John picked up Howards backpack and slung it over his own shoulder and his son grabbed his free hand and they walked to the car. As John was buckling Howard into his booster seat he asked “What do you say we go get ice cream?” To which he received excited cheering for an answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>John drove to the local ice cream shop, Howard happily talking about his day in the back. John didn’t really register anything that his son was saying, still worried about Xander. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Papa, why are you picking me up today and not daddy?” Howard asked just as they pulled into the parking lot of the ice cream shop. John wasn't sure what he wanted to tell him, Xander and he didn’t like lying to Howard, but there was absolutely no way that he was going to tell his five year old that his father was currently stuck in an active shooter situation. John forced a smile on his face and turned around in his seat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “He’s just caught up at work, so I figured you and I could spend some time together this afternoon. Now come on, let’s go get some ice cream. You can order anything you want.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>John and Howard got their ice cream and sat at the picnic table that the shop had set up and Howard told John more about his day, and John managed to somewhat follow along and ask questions at all the right moments. Howard was in the middle of talking about how he and Wiggly had played at recess when John’s phone rang. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I’ll be right back Howie, you keep eating your ice cream.” John stood up and took a few steps away from the table, far enough away that Howard wouldn't be able to hear him but close enough that he was still able to keep an eye on him. John answered his phone without looking at called I.D. “Yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Hello John.” John bit back a frustrated sigh and the urge to hang up the phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “What do you want Wilbur?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I heard about what’s going on. I wanted to see how you were doing, see if you’ve heard anything.” Wilbur’s voice was lacking its usual edge and he actually sounded worried about John, it was strange. John sighed and rubbed a hand across his forehead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     "I… thanks Wilbur. I haven’t heard anything since I handed the case over to one of my officers. I’m barely holding it together, but I can’t let on to Howard that anything’s wrong. I just-” John cut himself off with a shake of his head. “I’m sorry Wilbur. I shouldn’t be dumping all of this on you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Don’t apologize, I called to check on you. Despite everything that happened between us you’re still one of my best friends and I care about you.” John could hear Wiggly running around in the background of Wilbur’s side of the call. John looked over at his own son sitting at the table licking his ice cream. After John and Wilbur’s nasty break up he never would have guessed that years down the road their sons would be friends, but here they were. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I really appreciate that Wilbur, I-” John was cut off by his phone ringing, he pulled it away from his face and looked down at who was calling him now. It was Sam. “Hey, I really gotta take this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Go ahead. And remember if you need anything, I’m here for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Thanks.” John hung up with Wilbur and picked up the call from Sam. “Talk to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “We got the guy Captain. He is currently in police custody and is on his way down to the station to be processed.” Sam sounded oddly professional, and John appreciated the clear attempt the other man was making. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “And the injured?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Thankfully other than the five that were shot originally, no one else got hurt. The ones who were are on their way to the hospital.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Thank you Sam. I’ll be there in ten minutes to help get Legends processed.” John gestured to Howard for him to get ready to leave. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “All due respect sir, we both know that there is somewhere more important for you to be right now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “...Yeah” John sighed “I’ll see you tomorrow Sam.” John sighed and hung up the phone and helped Howard get settled in the car. John quickly got in the car and headed to the hospital.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Howie I need to tell you something, daddy got hurt at work today and so we’re going to go visit him at the hospital.” John looked in the rearview mirror at his son, who looked scared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Is he going to be ok?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “He’ll be just fine, I promise.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “... do you pinky promise?” John couldn’t help but chuckle. He took one of his hands off the steering wheel and reached his arm back, all fingers but his pinky down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I pinky promise.” John and Howard quickly arrived at the hospital and rushed inside to the waiting area. They made a B-line for the receptionist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Hi, we’re here for Xander Lee. I’m his husband John McNamara.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The lady behind the counter typed a few things on her computer and John waited impatiently. John had never wanted a cigarette more in his life, but he was trying to quit for Howard. He didn’t want his son to see him smoking and and take after him in this once aspect. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Ah yes Mr. Lee. He was admitted about ten minutes ago with a gunshot wound to his left side.” Howard tightened his grip on John’s hand, and John looked down at him as the receptionist continued to speak.”He’s in stable condition and is being monitored in room 248. You can go see him if you want.” The receptionist gave them directions on how to get to Xanders room and John thanked her as they hurried down the hall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>John knocked on the door of the hospital room out of courtesy before opening it a crack, sticking his head in, wanting to make sure that Howard wouldn’t see Xander still bleeding or anything like that. Xander saw him and smiled, waving John in. He fully pushed the door open and Howard went running in. He saw Xander on the hospital bed and immediately began climbing on to the bed next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Howard. Howard!” John was trying to get his son’s attention so he didn’t accidentally hurt Xander, but Howie didn’t seem to hear him. “Howard Goodman Lee McNamara!” John pulled out both the full name and Howard’s full name, causing him to freeze in his tracks, looking over at John with a sheepish look on his face. John softened his voice “Just be careful, ok? Daddy hurt and you don't want to hurt him more, right?” Howard shook his head and looked up at Xander.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I’m sorry daddy.” Xander smiled at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “It’s ok Howie, your Papa’s just stressed.” John crossed the room and lifted Howard onto the right side of the bed next to Xander. Xander lifted his arm up slightly and Howard cuddled against his non injured side, wrapping his little arms around Xander and burying his head into Xanders side. Xander lowered his arm and rubbed Howard’s back in a circular motion. John leaned in and kissed Xander. When the kiss broke Xander moved to the left a bit, pulling Howard over with him and patting the now empty space, inviting John to get on the bed as well. John, never able to refuse his husband anything, hesitantly sat on the edge, careful not to jostle the bed too much, before pulling his legs up as well. Xander reached over and held John's hand, rubbing his thumb against the back of John’s knuckles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “You scared me half to death today.” John rested his head against Xanders, letting his eyes slip shut, with Howard sandwiched between the two of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I’m sorry dear, I didn’t mean to. But if it makes you feel any better I felt pretty much the same.”  There was a clear teasing tone in his tone in his voice and John couldn’t help but roll his eyes, even though they were closed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Papa picked me up from school early today and we got ice cream!” Howard’s voice was a bit muffled because he was pressed against Xanders side. Nonetheless his parents were able to hear what he was saying as well as the sleep sneaking into his voice.     </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Wow, that sounds really cool! It seems like you and Papa had a lot of fun today.” Howard nodded, mumbling out a sleepy ‘mmmhmmm’. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Why don’t you go to sleep buddy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Mmmm not tired Papa.” Of course, almost the moment he said that his body had to prove him wrong. A few seconds later Howard was out cold, softly snoring from his comfortable spot between John and Xander. The two men just lie there for a moment, relishing being in each other's company. Unfortunately the moment of peace didn’t last very long, Xander must have had something in his throat because he coughed a few times, a wince escaping him as he did so. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>John quickly sat up and turned to face Xander hand reaching out to try and help his husband, not that there was much he could do. Xander waved John’s hand away with one hand, the other clutching his left side. John watched helplessly as Xanders face distorted with pain. He knew that the other man was always scarily good at hiding when he was in pain, so for him to be showing any signs of discomfort meant that it must be really bad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Sorry. That just… it just hurt a little bit.” Xander’s voice was strained as he spoke. He was obviously trying not to let John know how much pain he was in which broke John’s heart. He was supposed to be able to protect the people he cared about. That’s the whole reason he became a cop in the first place. But he wasn’t able to protect Xander from being shot today. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “John I can hear you thinking from here. This wasn’t your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. Don’t do this to yourself.” And here Xander was, comforting John when it should absolutely be the other way around. John sighed leaning back against the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I know. I know it’s not. But you almost died today and I just felt so hopeless and scared. And I couldn’t do anything to help you. I was so scared that I had to remove myself from the case because I was probably going to do something stupid. And I just- You can’t die on me Xander. You are never allowed to die. You have to promise me.” John was hyperventilating and shaking with tears streaming down his face.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “John? John look at me.” John forced his eyes over to Xander, who was clearly worried about him. “I’m alright, I’m right here. Give me your hand.” Xander dosn’t wait for John to hold his hand out, reaching across Howard to grab it and place Johns’s hand against his chest. “I need you to match your breathing to mine, ok? Deep breath in… and out. Just like that keep going. You’re doing a great job love, keep it up.” Xander keeps taking deep, controlled breaths and John follows his lead, slowly calming down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “There you go, much better. How are you feeling?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I feel... better. Thank you Xander. I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.” John was a little embarrassed, whatever that just was had never happened to him before.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Don’t apologize for a panic attack John. Now, unless you want me to lean across the bed and possibly pop a stitch, get over here. John moved closer to Xander, careful not to wake Howard up, who had miraculously stayed asleep, and was pulled into a kiss. Any anxiety the John had left faded away. John broke the kiss first, mindful of where they were and the fact that Howard was right there. He settled back down on the other side of the bed. Xander let out a yawn, all the stress and turmoil of the day catching up to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Go to sleep Xander, Howard and I will still be here when you wake up.” John assured his husband, squeezing his arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Ok.” Xander settled in, turning his head to face John, his glasses sitting slightly crooked on his face. “Hey John?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>John chuckled and reached out, taking the glasses off Xander’s face. “Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I love you.” Xander’s eyes slipped shut a content smile on his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “I love you too.” John whispered as Xanders breath evened out as he dropped into a deep sleep. John stayed awake watching his husband and son as they slept curled together in a hospital bed. He unbuttoned the top few buttons of his uniform shirt so he could be more comfortable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If a few hours later a nurse came to ask John and Howard to leave because visiting hours were over John flashed his badge to get permission to stay, well, no one was going to say anything about it.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This hurt me to write, but I had to. I have a lot more planned with this AU.  </p><p>Come follow me on Tumblr and give me a prompt/ request!<br/>https://ijustwantjohnmcnamaratobehappyok.tumblr.com/</p></blockquote></div></div>
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